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Spiritually-Grounded Parenting
Reviewed by Kim Hinrichs The other day my six-yearold daughter angrily told me she wanted a different mother. We had left her after-school childcare program, and she had flung her entire body into the front seat of the car and begun to rifle through my bag for some candy or gum. I had delivered a mild scolding—it was not that big of a deal. But her response sent a shockwave of fury and depression through me. We had only been together for five minutes, and instead of having a warm motherdaughter reunion, she had insulted me. I got into the driver’s seat and turned around and loudly rebuked her. I told her she could not talk to me like that. I told her how much it hurt my feelings to hear such a thing when I give so much of myself to raising her every single day. Her response? She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at me, indignant. As we drove home in stony silence, familiar despairing questions came to my mind. What is wrong with my daughter that she behaves like this? Why doesn’t she seem to understand compassion and kindness? Why can’t she accept my parental authority? My feelings sank further. What is wrong with me as a mother that I have allowed this behavior to develop? Have my husband and I already failed at parenting? I thought of a friend of mine who rules her children with an iron hand. Even though she is far too stern for my taste, she gets her children to behave. They act like proper little Victorian children, cowered into behavior acceptable to grown-ups. That behavior was looking pretty good at this moment. By the time my husband got home from work and I told him the story, I had resolved that we needed to become more disciplinarian. We were going to set up rules and systems of punishment ordered by degree of infraction. My own flesh and blood was not going to turn into a brat. Fortunately for all of us, I spent the rest of the evening reading Jane Bartlett’s sensitive and insightful book, Parenting with Spirit: 30 Ways to Nurture Your Child’s Spirit and Enrich Your Family’s Life. After two hours, my eyes were brimming with tears of compassion for that bratty little kid; and I was ready to undertake the rebuilding of my family’s ecosystem. Bartlett is a British mother of three. She is a progressive Christian, and she speaks broadly of having a spiritual presence at the center of family life. She presents this idea in a way that will be appealing to Swedenborgians. Acknowledging the statistic decline in organized religion in recent decades, she points to an ongoing unquenchable thirst for religion now finding its expression in the growing interest in New Age practices, Eastern spirituality, personal development, holistic living and other traditions. She wryly notes, however, that “this spiritual renaissance has largely failed to nurture families. It concerns itself only with the needs of grown-ups; it’s individualistic and self-oriented. You will find a wealth of personal development opportunities for adults to discover their ‘inner child,’ but few where they can be with their outer child too!” Bartlett believes that by ignoring the family as a locus for spiritual practice, we are losing an extremely valuable spiritual growth opportunity. She counsels that “families need to find their spiritual heart if they are to flourish.” The family is perhaps the monastic community of the new millennium—a community of individuals in which one lives in long-term, covenanted relationships, for better and for worse. And children are our most treasured spiritual teachers. “If you want to be more creative, more playful, more present in the moment and alive to the wonder of the world, you have given life to the best teacher of all these things you will ever have. You will also learn far more about your capacity for anger, fear, laughter and love.” The book is divided into five sections: Starting Out, A Family Spiritual Practice, Spiritual Life Together, A Home with Spirit, and Going Out into the World. One of the most helpful chapters is on creating a family creed. Bartlett advises holding a series of family meetings (short and fun, with yummy snacks) to create a mission statement that encapsulates what your family is all about. It is a time to step back from the frenzy of activity and ask: what do we stand for as a family? What are our values? What do we want to do together? How do we want to help others? Bartlett instructs that all family members are to contribute (little ones can draw pictures on the brainstorming page), and that the creed can be short, the better to be memorized by all. It is a simple idea, but it will focus intentionality and community among family members. In other chapters, Bartlett advises practicing loving family discipline, making sacred space in the home, considering your family’s media habits, using nature as a spiritual teacher, and teaching children about life and death. She also includes what may be the more predictable advice: pray with your children, create rituals for different times and occasions, encourage creativity, and inspire kindness. Altogether, this book encourages the parent to practice compassion and intentional living, which are both powerful spiritual concepts. Family-making is all about being present in relationship. I am beginning to think that this is the most challenging spiritual practice of all; being continually present within a family network of relationships is exhausting, challenging and often painful. These are the people who know our faults and our weaknesses, and being truly present means being vulnerable to getting hurt. It is much more attractive, and seemingly easier, to wrap a blanket of self-centeredness around us and shut out the other, even if that other is our child. The power of self-centeredness is strong, and it takes continual effort to mitigate its strength and to remain open to hearing and accepting the other. This is the essence of compassionate parenting, and it is also the essence of any true spiritual practice. Later that night, I thought about the incident with my daughter again. This time I focused on what might have been going on inside of her in that moment when she lashed out angrily at me. And then suddenly it was all clear. Her afterschool program was lousy. Her first grade class was not allowing her to excel as she loved to do. Her best friend had drifted away from her. I had not been the one to put her to bed lately, so we were missing that intimate mother-daughter time. It was no wonder she acted up: she was up to her eyeballs in frustration over not getting what she needed. Suddenly all thoughts of discipline had vanished from my mind. My initial response had been based in my own hurt and fear, and it now seemed ridiculous. My heart was overflowing with compassion and love for her. I resolved to make several changes instantly to better care for her needs and to bring more spirituality into our home and family. The next day, I acted very differently; and she did too. Harmony and love swept into our home. In the end, I suppose my daughter was right: she did need a new mom. One who was practicing compassion, living with intentionality, and parenting with spirit. Rev. Kim Hinrichs is director of children’s ministries at the San Francisco Swedenborgian Church. |
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Parenting with Spirit: 30 Ways to Nurture your Child’s Spirit